someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
