He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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