Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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