even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
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I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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