Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
