I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
