I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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