after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
