i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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