Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
