I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He passed out mid-signature
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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