I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
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I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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