well I can't set my house on fire every night
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
