i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
