i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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