I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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