My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
