wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
