shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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