wrigley field is MILF paradise
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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