what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
