just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
