I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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