I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
