Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
