I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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