So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
