i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
