yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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