ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
