mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
