I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize