"it" just moved
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
