She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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