So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
