my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
