My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
