can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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