I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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