He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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