I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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