I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
