So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
