Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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