The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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