It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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