I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
3pm strippers are depressing
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
