this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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