No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
