he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
