'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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