Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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