im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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