the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
