Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
love makes seman taste better
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
