I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she peed on how many people?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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