It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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