i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
